Interview: Santa Admits Causing Global Warming

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World Santa Claus Congress 2008 by Maltesen

In a report due to be released this Thursday in San Francisco, NASA scientists will reveal satellite imagery indicating that over 2 trillion tons of polar land ice has melted since 2003, we contacted the most famous polar resident to get his reaction.

In the following exclusive pre-Christmas interview, Inspired Economist investigative reporter Ramsay Mameesh, asks Santa Claus about his role in causing global warming and the dangers it poses for his business.  As well as China’s effect on North Pole Industries’ toy market share.  And how the economic downturn is impacting toy production.

Ramsay Mameesh:  Santa Claus, thank you so much for agreeing to do an interview with the Inspired Economist, I know you’re a busy man so close to Christmas.  I think everyone is familiar with who you are, so to save time I’ll skip the usual introduction, and get straight to questions.   Do you feel any sense of responsibility for our current climate crisis?

Santa Claus: Ho, Ho, Ho.  I see you’re still upset about not getting the Tonka Truck Fire Engine that one Christmas!

RM: Yeah, something like that.  But seriously, don’t you think the culture of consumption that you personally promote, is directly responsible for melting polar ice-caps?  I mean, you may be driving yourself out of business, doesn’t that concern you?

Santa Claus: Yes, we are very concerned about climate change, and that’s why I have appointed a special committee of Elves to explore solutions.  One of the Elf’s suggestions is that we begin using Reindeer poop, to power our facilities, instead of coal.   It’s sort of a nasty Catch-22, North Pole Industries is a toy manufacturer, and if we don’t produce  toys we’re out of business.  On the other hand, over consumption is causing climate change, and endangering our manufacturing facilities.  I want to assure you, and all the good boys and girls, that as CEO of North Pole Industries we will find creative solutions.  Christmas will continue.

RM:  That’s good to know, I’m sure children around the world, will be relieved to hear that Christmas will continue.  However, you did not answer my question, are you willing to admit for the record that you played a key role in causing global warming?

Santa Claus:   I see this is going to be a bah humbug interview.   Look, it’s not only toy production, that causes global warming.  There’s S.U.V.’s, coal fired power plants,  deforestation and many other sources besides toys.  But yes, I would agree that over consumption is a real problem, and that is why this year I am urging everyone to celebrate a Green Christmas.

RM:  Speaking of Green, what is your opinion on Christmas trees, the production of Christmas trees causes global warming?  Are you in favor of banning Christmas trees?

Santa Claus: We’re not in the lumber business.

RM: Fair enough.  What about the practice of giving kids coal, even if they’ve been bad, isn’t it sending the wrong message?

Santa Claus:  We stopped that practice a couple of years ago, but didn’t make it public, to try and keep the bad boys and girls in line.  Thanks a lot!  Say, when did you go all Green? I don’t remember you being Green as a kid?

RM: A few years ago.  Okay, let’s move on from the Green subject, and get into some business questions.  How are profits this year holding up with the economic downturn?

Santa Claus:  First, we’re a non-profit, so we don’t have to please shareholders – only children.  And we run a recession proof business, children will always want presents, so we don’t anticipate any decrease in demand.

RM:  What about China?  Word on the street is that China has significantly affected your market share of Christmas toys?

Santa Claus:  Am I being interviewed by the Grinch?  I need a cookie and a glass of milk.  Look, no doubt China has hurt business, and our brand image as well.  All the lead toys, have caused some children to abandon toys, in favor of other types of gifts.  And as you know, the Elves belong to a pretty strong union (Toy Local 1), while China is a non-union manufacturer.  So, yeah, we do feel a margin squeeze.  However, we have a strong R&D division, and we are generally able to stay one step ahead of the Chinese.

You know, I brought this issue up with President Reagan one Christmas eve.  I said to him “What are you doing, opening up the U.S. market to Chinese toys, when they don’t even celebrate Christmas!?!  He got coal that year.

RM:  I have a bunch more questions, like the the tabloid driven PETA boycott over Reindeer working conditions, but we’re about out of time for this interview, so I want to get to the big question – why didn’t I get the shiny red Tonka Truck Fire Engine?

Santa Claus:  As I recall, that year you did not do your homework, you were not good to your brothers and sister, and you skipped school. That year you were basically an obnoxious…

RM:  I’m sorry Santa, but I’m afraid we’re out of time, I want to thank you again for appearing on the Inspired Economist and I wish you and all the reindeer the best of luck this Christmas.

Santa Claus: Fa, la, la, de, da.

Photo Credit: Maltesen via Flickr’s Media Commons

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